Dating in this modern era is like traversing through the jungle wilderness where everyone is looking for the rarest creature of all; someone worth spending our time with. An Anthropologist Walks Into A Bar is a column where I record, catalogue and reflect on my dating life, field-notes style, in an attempt to learn more about myself and the world of dating.
In my most recent travels, I came across an intriguing specimen. Say hello to ‘The Illierate Thief’.
Region
Hinge.
How it started
Over glasses of red wine, we covered all the usual topics — work, family, music. She insisted on creating a Spotify blend to see how compatible our music tastes were, which came back with a shocking 98 percent similarity. While we were talking, I got the impression that she was nervous because she kept talking quickly and changing the subject before I had a chance to say my piece – but I thought it was cute I had that affect on her so I just sat back and enjoyed it. When we realised we were the last people at the bar and the staff were patiently waiting for us to leave, we (she) paid our bill and found a bench to sit on while we continued our conversation.
Duration
One month, five dates: drinks, drinks, her place, my place, coffee.
Red Flags
- Illiterate: she genuinely didn’t know the difference between ‘to’ and ‘too’, or ‘their’, ‘there’ and ‘they’re’. Shocking.
- Confusing: she asked me twice whether I wanted children but then ended things after a month because it was feeling “too serious”. Honey, whose fault do you think that is?
- Love-bombing: She texted me every day, said she obsessed with me, called me beautiful, said she told her family about me, and even called me on Christmas Eve where we spoke for over an hour. Naively, I interpreted all this as a sign that she liked me, but then she ended things because she was looking for something casual. What confusing behaviour!
Green Flags
- Great listener: she always remembered all the useless little things I told her and seemed genuinely interested in the things I said. She often surprised me by bringing up something I could barely remember telling her about.
- Responsive: she always responded to my messages very quickly and knew how to keep the conversation and flirtation flowing.
- Attentive: When things got intimate, she was always ready to meet me where I was since I preferred taking things a little slower. She listened to what I wanted, checked in with me and just generally did a wonderful job of making me feel special.
How it ended
Our last date was a quick coffee on New Year’s Eve where I lent her a book of mine that she had been wanting to read (‘The Safekeep’ by Yael Van der Wouden, an amazing sapphic story which everyone should read). The next day, she stopped talking to me and then ghosted me for a week before telling me things between us were starting to feel too serious and that she just wanted something casual. I said yeah that’s fine, but can I have my book back when you’re done? She never replied and to this day still has my book. What kind of sociopath steals a hardcover copy of someone’s favourite book?
Observations
This girl clearly didn’t really know what she wanted in terms of a relationship and was probably just using her time with me to figure that out for herself. Unfortunately for me, she put on such a convincing performance of being obsessed with me that, when she ended things between us, I was left confused and with a bruised ego. So next time I’ll be a little more apprehensive of people who seem too good to be true — and who don’t know how to spell.